When boys hit girls with the average

“I guess we could grab a drink”

“uh idk we could see a movie?”

or the worst “you pick idk”

you’re making a really subpar first impression…

Here are a few cute ideas to try out for size, and also gentlemen- be confident and not so wishy-washy when asking a girl out.

1. Bowling
2. Bar hopping on 6th
3. Go to a concert together!
4. Rock climbing
5. Go hiking! (obviously during broad daylight if it’s a first date cause you don’t want to come off like a possible serial killer)
6. Snow cones or ice cream
7. Wander around South Congress, if it’s not ya know 110 degrees
8. Wander a bookstore together
9. Bike some pretty park trails
10. Get tickets to a baseball game (even if you’re not into baseball, I mean there’s hot dogs)
11. Dancing? (Idk I’d be too nervous to do that on a first date, but hey maybe that’s your thing)
12. Breakfast for dinner (ok this one is my personal fav cause pancakes are just the best, and it automatically makes the date less intimidating)
13. Grabbing coffee at a cute coffee shop (Mozart’s is my go-to)
14. Up your netflix n’ chill game and invite a gal over to see your fav iconic 80s movie she maybe hasn’t seen
15. Go to a secret/undercover bar

How to Get Into Austin’s Secret Bars

Lastly, here’s a basic template on how to ask a girl out WELL

“Hey ______, let me know what day this week you’re free cause we’re going _______ *insert emoji of your choice*.”

Bing bang boom. You got a date.

 

-Hannah

 

These are just a few examples of the messages to send if you want to A) not get a response and B) definitely not get laid.

Ok take notes:

my brain is throbbing cause wow that was so incredibly dumb

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

full time mundane fuckboy right?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi! No!

 

Thank you so much for that kind offer, raincheck?

 

Boys. I get that you’re pretty obsessed with your penis, but we however are not. I don’t want to hear about how long/thick/majestic you think it is; that just reminds me you deadass took out a ruler to measure your dick at one point lmao

 

Babe if I wanted to, you’d know. If you have to ask, probably definitely not.

 

Now go forth and start conversations in a less fuckboy-ish manner and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get that date/hookup/flirty convo you’re looking for.

 

XOXO,

Hannah

OK so y’all know that this blog is almost solely dedicated to me roasting Tinder fuckboys and laying out the pitfalls of dates, and it’ll still be a lot of that, but today I’m veering off brand. Also, I’m not changing names in this blog because quite frankly this will be a glowing date review and credit where credit is due.

Let’s begin with the fact that today was a shit day, I had been an irritable gal most of the morning and into the afternoon because PMS is a bitch and turns me into one; and to top it off I got into a car wreck!!! Litty titty. Everyone involved is fine, but my car (his name was Beans) is not. But anyways, so this boy Nick and I were chatting while this unfolded and he was being very sweet during it all.

He suggested sending me funny memes to cheer me up, but I let him know that pics of his dog would better help during this crisis, so he sent over 19 pics/videos of his roommate’s dog, Comet, who is hands down the cutest husky pup like ever.

The fact that he called it a 0.5 date makes me smile, so I agree, and start frantically searching for cute clothes and realize I haven’t done laundry in 10 years, so what I’m wearing will have to do…

I blast some Rex Orange County on my speaker and get distracted attempting to clean my room before I realize I’ve been distracted for awhile… I run to my phone and it reads 10:05.

yikes dammit

But it’s okay cause he has just texted he’s pulling up to my apartment complex at 10:04.

I let him know I’m the girl with the hella sparkly tennis shoes (you’ll learn this is my one and only identifier). He waves at me and I walk over and I realize he’s playing The Strokes (Reptilia by The Strokes is one of my most played songs) so my stomach flips cause boys with an ace music taste are gems. And here sits a cute boy who has an adorable dimple and has one of the happiest dispositions I’ve ever encountered. He’s a straight up sunshine boy, like if you turned a golden retriever into a man you’d get Nick. I’m flustered.

He is asking me all about my day and being completely charming, and we go through the P Terry’s drive thru and he asks if I’d like to drive around some more or park somewhere. I see he only has one hand to drive cause the burger is in the other and I say it’s probably best I only get into one car wreck for today. We sit in the Randall’s parking lot eating P Terry’s burgers exchanging worst date stories.

SIDENOTE: there’s this phenomenon I’ve witnessed in guys, boys who radiate confidence and are just self-assured kickass humans also have this confident laugh. It’s infectious and awesome and it just makes you feel warm, it gives you the same feeling you get after drinking hot chocolate on a cold night, you know? So, uh yeah, Nick has the laugh. And due to the fact I’m a MESS of a human and have a lot of stories that would make one giggle, I got to hear ~the laugh~ many times during the night!

bless up

Not only did I get this boy to laugh more than a few times, he also made me laugh a good amount cause during the second half of our half date he told me the story of his last Instagram account.

(we went to Amy’s to get ice cream, I know cute right)

Oh yeah this boy isn’t on any social media, it was a New Years Resolution a few years back for him to get off Insta/Twitter/Snapchat.

respect

But ANYWAYSSS, the story is that his friends were at a restaurant and they hadn’t gotten their food for like two straight hours and when they did the waiter was hella rude, so Nick out of spite stole their tabasco sauce. “I took that tabasco sauce with me everywhere like Flat Stanley style, I took pictures of him for 7 months, which was like 6 and a half months more than I anticipated but hey.. The restaurant would get cryptic pictures of their stolen tabasco sauce. everywhere. I even shipped it to my friend studying abroad in England for her to take around for 2 weeks, everyone was involved.”

I’m laughing so hard at this. I think this is adorable and creative and just hilarious. He tells me the morning it fell out of his pocket and shattered on the ground was so devastating he went back to bed and didn’t go to any of his classes that day.

lmao but understandable tbh

After we finish our ice cream, he asks if I’d like to drive around some more or if I’d like him to drop me off and I choose the latter just cause well, it’s been a DAY. We’re driving back and I notice he’s playing some more dope alternative songs, and I ask “so what is your favorite band?” and before I could let him answer I add “wait let me guess…. The Killers?” He is taken aback “Yeah! How’d you know?” I make something up about how the artists in the genre he was playing tipped me off or whatever trying to look cool (I remembered he mentioned The Killers in his Bumble bio).

He drops me off and I don’t kiss and tell…(;

but wait yes I totally do, that’s what this blog is about- we kissed and it was just like one of those short and sweet blush inducing kisses.

Unfortunately, cute Nick is only in Austin for the summer, but hey,

 

 

Until next time!

 

Recapping this date, I will solely use Jim Halpert gifs because at least 20 times during this date did I stare off where I imagine a camera might be and make a signature ~Jim~ face and here’s why…

Oh and of course before we begin, here are the drinking game parameters if you so wish to partake:

take a shot every time I recount something this boy said that makes you sharply inhale it’s so cringey

For a hot minute, my Tinder bio read “lmk your favorite burger spot in Austin!” and after I got 17 messages that read “Casino El Camino” I changed it because clearly there was a consensus and no need for further research.

One of those messages had a follow-up remark offering to buy me said burger later that night, being the burger fanatic I am, I quickly agreed without much investigation into this boy’s online presence (which just for the record would definitely have tipped me off for the night I was in for) ((always cyber stalk before first dates, kids)). We agree to meet at Casino El Camino at 7:30 and as the prompt queen I am, I arrive exactly at 7:29 and spot my date looking like an absolute fish out of water.

Once he sees me he walks up to me and says “this is my date outfit, girls dig it”

I’m biting my bottom lip trying so hard not to laugh, this man is not only wearing a long sleeve tee with an outer space print, but there were neon cats all over it. If someone took the Tumblr 2012 aesthetic and turned it into a shirt, this man bought it, and is unfortunately wearing it on our date in 2018.

But hey I’m not one to judge TOO harshly on clothing choices as I almost always wear my sparkly sneakers on dates, and most people have described them as blinding and well just the worst, so ya know. We head upstairs (this is when I realize this probably wasn’t the best date spot cause rock & roll music is blasting so loudly, I can barely hear my own thoughts). We begin shouting basic questions to one another…

me: “SO WHERE ARE YOU ORIGINALLY FROM?”

him: “I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS!”

me: “NO, I ASKED… YOU KNOW WHAT NEVER MIND”

Eventually I ask if we’re actually going to eat burgers on this burger date and he agrees that that would be a good idea, and we go downstairs to order them and this is when he goes silent and only points to which burger he’d like and I end up having to order his burger for him??? I’m still confused on why.

After the cashier lets me know the total, I reach for my card as I always do on first dates, and am *usually* stopped by the boy and told he’s got it, which ngl I expect, but splitting it is also fine. But homeboy doesn’t reach for his card at all, and so I say “I guess I’ve got it!” and he responds “okay good, I won’t say no to a girl buying me food!”

You uh asked me out to okay you know what never mind.

We get back upstairs and after the burgers arrive, I don’t know what happened for those 20 minutes, it is the best burger I’ve EVER had I basically blacked out, I think this must have been the burger Marshall in HIMYM was searching for. 15/10 would recommend.

But back to the date, I frantically keep pulling out every weird and crazy story I have in my repertoire and yelling them in this loud ass restaurant/bar to fill the dead air this boy keeps giving me. He even says “yeah I’m quiet, so if you could continue talking that’d be ideal ma’am”.

okay SIR.

2 hours later

It’s nearing 10 PM and he notices I start checking the time on my phone every other minute hoping either a friend can sense I’m in distress and call or god idk I’m just desperate for an out. He catches on and says “I’m basically done with this date too no worries I want to go.” yikes okay… We walk downstairs and this is the real kicker, he turns to me and says “I’m not clinically diagnosed as socially awkward, but I’m DEFINITELY wandering the perimeter haha”.

Awesome.

This is when homeboy disappears into the crowd of edgy young adults with no indication that he will return and after a solid 15 seconds, I nod to myself and walk out of Casino El Camino and down three blocks to my car. Once I reach and am inside my vehicle, I slam my head against my steering wheel and the horn goes off for a solid 4 seconds.

I get a text a few minutes later that reads “Sorry should’ve mentioned I was closing my bar tab and I’m bad at goodbyes!!!!”

 

just kill me will you?

 

Sorry I ghosted y’all, you know how much I detest that trend. But I fell for a Tinder boy, gasp I know… We dated for 3 months.

Long story short in gifs:

right after we broke up

 

for a few days

 

(don’t judge me for this one…)

 

overanalyzing and second guessing

 

done second guessing

 

realizing everything is okay

 

what I want my dating life to look like from here on out

 

Stay tuned…

 

 

I really enjoy when movies put one of the ending scenes first and then do a record scratch and have a voiceover that comes in and says “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”. So, picture this, I am sprinting to the doors to get out of Alamo Drafthouse and the second I get outside I start screaming like Jeanie in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Full-blown losing it.

Okay.

“I bet you’re wondering how I got here” lmaoooo but for real, let’s start from the beginning…

It’s the morning of the date and I text John asking what the plans are for this evening and he did that lovely fuckboy move of “you tell me” no buddy, that’s why I asked you. YOU tell ME. Call me old-fashioned but I expect a boy to have a pretty decent plan in mind when he asks a girl out, don’t ask someone out and hit ’em with the “oh idk whatever you wanna do lol” you can take that indecisiveness and shove it. It’s a turn-off. It’s lazy. And rule of thumb whoever asks out the other person- has a plan. That was not the case for tonight.

But regardless, I was set that I would be going on this date, so I brushed it off and made the plan and then strike two- he texts me informing me I’ll be paying for my own ticket.

Lovely.

But again, I brush it off and give this boy the benefit of the doubt. We make plans to meet at Alamo Drafthouse an hour before the movie starts to walk around and talk, cute right? (That’s not sarcasm btw, I was genuinely kinda excited.) I get there at 9:20 (10 minutes early) and get a text saying he’s running late, which is actually kind of a relief because boy do I need a drink to calm the nerves and Alamo Drafthouse conveniently houses a bar. Yay! So, I go in to buy my ticket and then a drink, and I watch some comedic karaoke going on and I’m starting to feel more excited by the minute, and just maybe this will be really fun.

He calls me saying he’s arrived and I let him know I’m at the entrance and he almost walks right past me at first then stops and makes a clear disappointed expression, which kinda hurts my feelings, but I get it. As a plus-size lady I’m not new to this. And as open as I am with what I look like on my social media, boys tend not to be as stalker-y as us ladies before first dates, so okay fine. He says “I guess let’s walk around” and starts walking away from me pretty quickly, which I mean man do you think you’re Ryan Gosling? You are certainly not. And frankly I’m also disappointed you’re way more photogenic than life-genic, but I am not making a scene. Ugh.

But he seems to chill and we start talking and Donald Trump comes up (when does he not, honestly) and he said “well some people speculate he’s mentally ill” and I responded “well I think a brain injury is still on the table” and he retorts “I suffered a severe brain injury. I was in a coma for a long time. I almost died.”

He proceeds to pull out his phone and show me pictures of the car wreck and go into detail of the traumatic incident for 45 minutes. And in these 45 minutes he lets me know it was a drunk driver that hit him. He then asks if I drink, and I respond “yeah, actually was drinking right before you got here. I mean not a ton. I wasn’t drunk or anything. I’m sorry?” yeah. awkward.

I think it may be a bit too darkly (is that a word?) ironic to do any drinking game cues in this blog, so um yeah. Take a shot of orange juice every time you’re uncomfortable reading this?

We get back to Alamo Drafthouse and he gets his ticket and we head to the theater and on the way he lets me know “he has and will never drink any alcohol, nor will he drink coffee.” (Still don’t know how those two are related, but okay.) We get to our seats and apparently the traumatic show & tell is only just beginning as he starts going through in detail what happened to all his internal organs and describing his feeding tube as well as his spleen bleeds that were frequent apparently.

He then says, what may be the quote of the night “If you’re lucky enough to get my shirt off, I’ll show you more of my scars and tell you about them, did I tell you about my spleen already? And the tube that nourished me?” Fuck me.

Previews begin and he calls the waiter to order a plate of meatballs. Yep, plate of balls. And when he gets them first he asks “hey do you want one? I’ll give you a meatball?” I decline his balls. Then he starts chewing loud af, and I’m not usually one to be bothered by people’s chewing, but fuck man. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHILE EATING YOUR BALLS. Wait yeah that might be the quote of the night^.

Thor starts and honestly I’m really into it! I’m not a huge Marvel fan, but I’m def enjoying Chris Hemsworth destroy shit. He then comes down with a cold sporadically and he somehow has gotten dozens of tissues and starts aggressively blowing his nose and what do you call it when you’re gargling in the back of your throat about to get snot out your mouth? You get it. It becomes more and more frequent until I start counting. 37 times. Blew his nose and made those nasty snot sounds 37 times. And I told myself. 5 more times and you can leave, man.

*5 more nasty snot tissues later* I get up, tell him I have to go to the bathroom. Calmly walk down the aisle then BOOK IT. I’m sprinting out. And then we’re back to the screaming I described at the beginning. I pick up my almost dead phone and call my friend, Malia, and detail this to her and she’s laughing so hard and I’m again shocked that this, is my dating life.

I’m not a complete asshole, so I texted him something like “I’m so so sorry my friend broke up with her boyfriend and I need to go hang out with her stat.” Wasn’t my best bullshit excuse, but hey.

Until next time ❤

Here we are in his doorway/living room and I have a very specific game plan in mind: awkward meeting –> move to the couch to talk for like 15 minutes–> make out for 30-45 minutes –> get bored –> evacuate. But instead he gave me a lengthy house tour and I got to meet two ancient dogs during that. I know this will probably discredit everything I say from now on, but I have to say it- I’m a cat person. I know, I’m sorry.

Drinking game: sip your drink every time I’ve disappointed you

We head to the couch and he convinces me we should watch Black Mirror, and the selling point for me is that it’s supposedly scary, so I mean I thought that would help move along my game plan. And apparently this is the kind of Netflix show that’s basically mini movies, so you don’t have to watch them in order, so we watched one in the middle of the first season I believe.

He immediately puts his feet right in my lap.

*this is where I’ll put a screaming gif once I figure out how to do so*

His huge, mis-matched sock adorned feet chill in my lap for far too long and I’m paralyzed, eventually he asks “oh is it cool that I have my feet on you?” and I deadass look at him and say “not really”. I mean c’mon, I know this is netflix n’ chill, but nah bro. Watching this show I realize it’s far more eerie than it is scary and not exactly something I was feelin’. He also does that fun thing where he’s watching my reactions since he’s already seen the show, so I’m getting self conscious af.

Once the show ends he asks if I want to cuddle and I say “uh yeah sure” and tbh he’s an amazing cuddler, he knows exactly how to position himself so I’m at peak comfiness, which makes me sleepier more than anything. We chat about basic things and he eventually asks if I want to move to the bed. I agree and soon we’re on the bed and things lead to a hot makeout sesh and escalating towards some other stuff before I yell “NOT TODAY, SON” stops him right in his tracks.

He’s saying cheesy things like “I feel like I can tell you anything” and “I haven’t felt these feelings in a long time” we were talking about our favorite animals, so I know that was a load of bologne and he was just horny hoping this would get me back in the mood. It did not get me in the mood and it almost got me out the door.

sip your drink every time a fuckboy gets sappy on the first date

He is then compelled to reveal he’s bi, which is absolutely no surprise, his voice is three octaves higher than mine, he’s an opera singer, and do I need a third reason. Ya girl knew that. And as I have no filter I yelled “THANK GOD YOU KNOW” and poor boy was like “wait, how’d you know?” ugh honey. By this time it was around 2:30 AM, so he asks if I wanted to stay over and we’re on a really comfy mattress, and I’m so tempted to say yes, but I know I’ll infinitely regret it in the morning. Long story a bit shorter- I debated with myself for a good 5 minutes and ended up saying “sure” after he offers to make me breakfast in the morning. Spoiler alert: I did infinitely regret it.

We chat a bit more and one of the things I do when I’m chatting with someone and we’re physically close is like I’ll draw on them with like my hand, ya know, like I’ll just trace circles and whatever with my finger. I don’t ever think about this or have to explain this, but I promise it’s not that weird lmao. Like when you were a kid and we did the “egg cracks on your head and the yolk is running down” thingy and you draw on someone’s back to give them tingles?? Am I making sense?? Well yeah I do that, and people LOVE IT. So I was doing that to his hand and then his back and he was so grateful he felt the need to “thank me with a song”.

This is the peak of the weird date. He starts singing to me in bed. Opera singing to me. He asks if I have a preference of song, and I say no, so he goes with Toxic by Britney Spears. He’s opera singing Britney Spears (I needed to repeat that so you fully digest the fuckery that is going down). I sit there choking down laughter as he very seriously serenades me in the weirdest way- part bellowing loud af/part whispering in my ear. It was oh my. Just oh. Yikes. He then stops and says “you’re welcome” and I am just so stunned once again that this is my dating life.

He falls asleep, I run into his living room and snapchat everyone under the sun what just happened. And eventually return to bed to fall asleep. We wake up at 8 AM (he wakes me up and I yell “what the hell do you think you’re doing”) ((I’m not a morning person)). I throw on my clothes and skedaddle.

Oh and as I was running out the door he yells “wait, I was going to make you cereal!! I have cinnamon toast crunch!!!!”

boy bye.

Hey y’all, I’d just like to start off by saying that this is all in good fun and I will never use real names nor will I stray from telling what actually happened on these dates. I don’t keep a journal. I haven’t really written blogs over my love life (or lack thereof) before, so it might take me a hot minute to get the swing of things. Stick with me and I guarantee you a few giggles.

This date happened last Friday night when a wave of impulsivity rushed over me after my shift at Smoothie King finished up and a boy invited me over to

Netflix n’ Chill 

If you want to play the drinking game version of reading my blog: every time you see “netflix n’ chill” that’s your cue to take a shot

I responded to that modern mating call with “yeah, but I’m not trying to fuck” which took him by surprise that I would assume such a thing, ~wild~. But we kept texting and it was agreed upon I would come over anyways. I rushed home to throw on a pair of skinny jeans and anything but that smoothie stained red t-shirt. He lives way out in the middle of nowhere and when my GPS told me I was approaching my destination and all I saw were storage units on one side and deer chilling on the other I said goodbye to my sad, weird life. I mean c’mon that’s everyone’s biggest fear, tinder date goes wrong “Girl Killed in Outskirts of City”. Right?!!

But obviously that was not the case, and he actually just lives in the suburbs (I guess this is when I tell you he’s a tad bit younger than me and still lives with his parents) ((2 years younger, people, we’re not talking decades)). He texts me his dogs will cause uproar if there’s a knock on the door or the doorbell rings, so to just come in. And as I do, this guy, Frank, bear hugs me and whispers in my ear “hope this is okay” and I yell back “IT’S FINE” and the awkwardness ensues.

His 12-year-old wiener dog trots into the room and stares into my SOUL and I’ve never felt more judged by a dog before. I honestly contemplated leaving.

Y’all will be impressed that I held my ground. I traveled there for a good makeout sesh and by god was I going to get it with or without an ancient dachshund dog staring or not.

 

to be continued…

 

 

• I go on cringy dates with boys I’d normally swipe left on
• We go on fun dates and weird dates and trainwrecks of dates
• You get the lowdown
• Yeet (that means yay in fuckboy language)
• ((Yes, they communicate in a whole other language))
• (((Don’t worry, I’ll translate)))
• EDIT: I also go on promising dates with handsome & intriguing men and see if they live up to the hype (occasionally they do!)
• Oh and I’m bi, so I also go on dates with girls, but usually they’re absolutely lovely and don’t make for a funny story