Recapping this date, I will solely use Jim Halpert gifs because at least 20 times during this date did I stare off where I imagine a camera might be and make a signature ~Jim~ face and here’s why…

Oh and of course before we begin, here are the drinking game parameters if you so wish to partake:

take a shot every time I recount something this boy said that makes you sharply inhale it’s so cringey

For a hot minute, my Tinder bio read “lmk your favorite burger spot in Austin!” and after I got 17 messages that read “Casino El Camino” I changed it because clearly there was a consensus and no need for further research.

One of those messages had a follow-up remark offering to buy me said burger later that night, being the burger fanatic I am, I quickly agreed without much investigation into this boy’s online presence (which just for the record would definitely have tipped me off for the night I was in for) ((always cyber stalk before first dates, kids)). We agree to meet at Casino El Camino at 7:30 and as the prompt queen I am, I arrive exactly at 7:29 and spot my date looking like an absolute fish out of water.

Once he sees me he walks up to me and says “this is my date outfit, girls dig it”

I’m biting my bottom lip trying so hard not to laugh, this man is not only wearing a long sleeve tee with an outer space print, but there were neon cats all over it. If someone took the Tumblr 2012 aesthetic and turned it into a shirt, this man bought it, and is unfortunately wearing it on our date in 2018.

But hey I’m not one to judge TOO harshly on clothing choices as I almost always wear my sparkly sneakers on dates, and most people have described them as blinding and well just the worst, so ya know. We head upstairs (this is when I realize this probably wasn’t the best date spot cause rock & roll music is blasting so loudly, I can barely hear my own thoughts). We begin shouting basic questions to one another…

me: “SO WHERE ARE YOU ORIGINALLY FROM?”

him: “I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS!”

me: “NO, I ASKED… YOU KNOW WHAT NEVER MIND”

Eventually I ask if we’re actually going to eat burgers on this burger date and he agrees that that would be a good idea, and we go downstairs to order them and this is when he goes silent and only points to which burger he’d like and I end up having to order his burger for him??? I’m still confused on why.

After the cashier lets me know the total, I reach for my card as I always do on first dates, and am *usually* stopped by the boy and told he’s got it, which ngl I expect, but splitting it is also fine. But homeboy doesn’t reach for his card at all, and so I say “I guess I’ve got it!” and he responds “okay good, I won’t say no to a girl buying me food!”

You uh asked me out to okay you know what never mind.

We get back upstairs and after the burgers arrive, I don’t know what happened for those 20 minutes, it is the best burger I’ve EVER had I basically blacked out, I think this must have been the burger Marshall in HIMYM was searching for. 15/10 would recommend.

But back to the date, I frantically keep pulling out every weird and crazy story I have in my repertoire and yelling them in this loud ass restaurant/bar to fill the dead air this boy keeps giving me. He even says “yeah I’m quiet, so if you could continue talking that’d be ideal ma’am”.

okay SIR.

2 hours later

It’s nearing 10 PM and he notices I start checking the time on my phone every other minute hoping either a friend can sense I’m in distress and call or god idk I’m just desperate for an out. He catches on and says “I’m basically done with this date too no worries I want to go.” yikes okay… We walk downstairs and this is the real kicker, he turns to me and says “I’m not clinically diagnosed as socially awkward, but I’m DEFINITELY wandering the perimeter haha”.

Awesome.

This is when homeboy disappears into the crowd of edgy young adults with no indication that he will return and after a solid 15 seconds, I nod to myself and walk out of Casino El Camino and down three blocks to my car. Once I reach and am inside my vehicle, I slam my head against my steering wheel and the horn goes off for a solid 4 seconds.

I get a text a few minutes later that reads “Sorry should’ve mentioned I was closing my bar tab and I’m bad at goodbyes!!!!”

 

just kill me will you?