Here we are in his doorway/living room and I have a very specific game plan in mind: awkward meeting –> move to the couch to talk for like 15 minutes–> make out for 30-45 minutes –> get bored –> evacuate. But instead he gave me a lengthy house tour and I got to meet two ancient dogs during that. I know this will probably discredit everything I say from now on, but I have to say it- I’m a cat person. I know, I’m sorry.

Drinking game: sip your drink every time I’ve disappointed you

We head to the couch and he convinces me we should watch Black Mirror, and the selling point for me is that it’s supposedly scary, so I mean I thought that would help move along my game plan. And apparently this is the kind of Netflix show that’s basically mini movies, so you don’t have to watch them in order, so we watched one in the middle of the first season I believe.

He immediately puts his feet right in my lap.

*this is where I’ll put a screaming gif once I figure out how to do so*

His huge, mis-matched sock adorned feet chill in my lap for far too long and I’m paralyzed, eventually he asks “oh is it cool that I have my feet on you?” and I deadass look at him and say “not really”. I mean c’mon, I know this is netflix n’ chill, but nah bro. Watching this show I realize it’s far more eerie than it is scary and not exactly something I was feelin’. He also does that fun thing where he’s watching my reactions since he’s already seen the show, so I’m getting self conscious af.

Once the show ends he asks if I want to cuddle and I say “uh yeah sure” and tbh he’s an amazing cuddler, he knows exactly how to position himself so I’m at peak comfiness, which makes me sleepier more than anything. We chat about basic things and he eventually asks if I want to move to the bed. I agree and soon we’re on the bed and things lead to a hot makeout sesh and escalating towards some other stuff before I yell “NOT TODAY, SON” stops him right in his tracks.

He’s saying cheesy things like “I feel like I can tell you anything” and “I haven’t felt these feelings in a long time” we were talking about our favorite animals, so I know that was a load of bologne and he was just horny hoping this would get me back in the mood. It did not get me in the mood and it almost got me out the door.

sip your drink every time a fuckboy gets sappy on the first date

He is then compelled to reveal he’s bi, which is absolutely no surprise, his voice is three octaves higher than mine, he’s an opera singer, and do I need a third reason. Ya girl knew that. And as I have no filter I yelled “THANK GOD YOU KNOW” and poor boy was like “wait, how’d you know?” ugh honey. By this time it was around 2:30 AM, so he asks if I wanted to stay over and we’re on a really comfy mattress, and I’m so tempted to say yes, but I know I’ll infinitely regret it in the morning. Long story a bit shorter- I debated with myself for a good 5 minutes and ended up saying “sure” after he offers to make me breakfast in the morning. Spoiler alert: I did infinitely regret it.

We chat a bit more and one of the things I do when I’m chatting with someone and we’re physically close is like I’ll draw on them with like my hand, ya know, like I’ll just trace circles and whatever with my finger. I don’t ever think about this or have to explain this, but I promise it’s not that weird lmao. Like when you were a kid and we did the “egg cracks on your head and the yolk is running down” thingy and you draw on someone’s back to give them tingles?? Am I making sense?? Well yeah I do that, and people LOVE IT. So I was doing that to his hand and then his back and he was so grateful he felt the need to “thank me with a song”.

This is the peak of the weird date. He starts singing to me in bed. Opera singing to me. He asks if I have a preference of song, and I say no, so he goes with Toxic by Britney Spears. He’s opera singing Britney Spears (I needed to repeat that so you fully digest the fuckery that is going down). I sit there choking down laughter as he very seriously serenades me in the weirdest way- part bellowing loud af/part whispering in my ear. It was oh my. Just oh. Yikes. He then stops and says “you’re welcome” and I am just so stunned once again that this is my dating life.

He falls asleep, I run into his living room and snapchat everyone under the sun what just happened. And eventually return to bed to fall asleep. We wake up at 8 AM (he wakes me up and I yell “what the hell do you think you’re doing”) ((I’m not a morning person)). I throw on my clothes and skedaddle.

Oh and as I was running out the door he yells “wait, I was going to make you cereal!! I have cinnamon toast crunch!!!!”

boy bye.